Handling the Holidays: Hope, Happiness, and Harmony

Me sitting in my Christmas Car 1976/77

For many, the holidays are an exciting time full of preparations and parties. They are looking forward to family and friends coming in  from near and far to gather together in the spirit of fun and festivities. Then there are those whom want nothing to do with holidays. For these people, the spirit of comfort and joy has been swallowed up by anxiety and depression. While the average person is making lists and planning menus, the not so average are worried about engaging with family members, panicking about the number of people that will be present, the demeanor of the people they will interact with, and how to handle awkward situations that are inevitable in every family gathering. 

Speaking from a personal experience, holidays are a definite struggle for me and actually always has been, especially Christmas. I hated Christmas until my daughter was born, I was 17 years old. Every Christmas of my life, as far back as I can remember, I was sick as hell. I would wake up early in the morning, run to see what Santa had left for me, and when I saw the abundance of toys and clothes, I would vomit, EVERY SINGLE YEAR!  It got to the point where my mom would spread my Christmas out for a week and she would buy less. We spent many Christmases in the emergency room, I would have a very high fever, be lethargic, and unable to be apart of the day in any form. When my daughter(A'Lanna) was born, Christmas was no longer about me and I loved it, the sickness and emergency room trips disappeared and I got to watch and enjoy Christmas through my little baby for the first time in my life.

Now as an adult who has been through so much, especially in the last 4 years, I am now faced with the holidays and I feel the dread coming. Death has invaded my life in the last 4 years like a looting thief during a riot, with the most traumatic being the sudden death of my sister and less than a year later, one of my best friends. Despite the loss and the grief that I am facing, I have vowed that  this year will be different, I am determined to enjoy the holiday season.

A little about my mental health status, I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Mood Depressive Disorder,  Complicated Grief  Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; did I mention that I am an Empath? We will discuss all of this in a different post. To say that holidays are overwhelming for me is an understatement. I am worried, anxious, and unmotivated, I care about everything and nothing all at the same time. I sat with myself and I figured out how to not only be apart of the holidays but to enjoy them as well. Here is how:

Our Granddaughter giving Customer orders out

1. Crowd Control: Thanksgiving is a big deal in my family, we all get together eat, laugh, and make memories. When you have anxiety, crowds is a big trigger, having to engage with all of those people even though they are family, is a bit too much. You practice conversations in your mind, you have a plan on how to avoid certain people, and you calculate how many hours you can hangout before going nuts. As an Empath, you feel EVERYTHING and that can be paralyzing. You know who is hiding behind a smile, you know who is lying, and you know who just needs a hug, shoulder, and an ear, Girl, it's a lot!! 

Solution: The way that I am going to enjoy our family gathering, be present, and be authentic is by putting myself in position to be apart of things that feed my soul. I will hangout with the family members that make me laugh, If a topic or situation arises that I am not comfortable with, I will discreetly remove myself from the room, and I am gonna take lots and lots of pictures. Photography is my new love and it is gonna help me navigate the holidays with happiness.

2. Honoring my loved ones: One thing that I can't escape about the holidays is the very real reality that my loved ones have passed one, specifically my sister and my best friend. Holiday grief is very different from day to day grief, it is the most haunting emptiness in the world. 

Solution: The first holiday season after my sister passed away, my life coach told me to create new traditions that connected me to my sister, things that honored her and helped me. My sister loved to cook, so I get in the kitchen and make desserts that remind me of her and my grandma. Making the desserts is so therapeutic and calming, in that moment I am not focused on her absence but on all the wonderful pieces that I still have of her and the peace that they bring  me.

Makings of Peach Cobbler

3. Drama Control: It is easy to get swept up in  holiday hype and overwork yourself, I am definitely a perfectionist, I overwhelm myself easily and often. For me, things need to flow seamlessly into  place but rarely does anything happen without a glitch or two.

Solution: Self Care. This time around I am doing what I want and not compromising my comfort. I won't feel guilty for being me and having to modify how I handle holidays. I will do things that make me happy. I have no expectations of anyone, I will allow people to be people. I am going into this season at the top of my list of priorities. I am gonna take pictures, make desserts, laugh, cry, and get through this season with hope, happiness, and harmony flowing through my being.