Public Service Announcement: She's Dead!

She was born on a July morning into an orchestrated but messily calculated parental partnership between 3 adults. Two of them loved her more than anything, but the other one just wanted to be attached to the primary party in the business arrangement; to him, she was merely an accessory, a means to an end. Her beginning was crafted in complications and secrecy, setting the course of her life's journey on a path that would at times be confusing, fear filled, anger infused, overwhelming, and abusive. Different has never been different to her, it was the personification of her anxieties, she has never actually fit in anywhere. Either she was too young, too old, too this or too that; she was just too much her. Like all children, she grew up and the more she grew the more her situation and entanglements grew, the lies got bigger, the secret got deeper, and the partnership began to implode.  Funny thing about secrets, they don't stay hidden.

There is no need to chronologically recall all the elements of her life, lets sum it up like this, she was born, she was loved, she was disappointed, she was afraid, she laughed, and she died. As a matter of fact, I can tell you the exact day that she died, it was February 29, 2016 around 2:00pm, she took her last breath. Those whom loved her lost someone dear to them. They lost someone who loved them, they lost someone who put them on a pedestal, they lost someone who made them her utmost priority, they lost their cheerleader, and they lost their crutch and enabler; oh the loss was disorienting and  catastrophic.

Life is continuous, it never stops, like the circle, it has no ending. While she did indeed die on that February afternoon, simultaneously she began another life, a new birth. You are probably wondering who she is and what happened on 2/29/2016. She is me. My sister passed away on the day in question and everything I knew, including myself died with her. Before you feel sorry for me and weep, remember life is continuous.  Losing my sister, broke me, it destroyed everything I knew to be stable and real. However, it also forced me into a place where I had to face life and examine  those things that I saw as truth. If I am to be honest, I have been that terrified little girl born to some crazy ass folks, all of my life. I was afraid that my daddy would die. I was afraid that my mama would get drunk, fall down, and die, I was afraid that my grandma would die, and I was afraid that my sister would die; death has been hanging out with me all of my life.  Spoiler alert, THEY ALL DIED! Now, mama stopped drinking when I was 21 so that fear never came true.

There is nothing in this world that can prepare one for sudden death, NOTHING! I was so lost, completely out of my mind, but in the perfect space for rebirth. My sister left me physically but she left me with something, she gave me, Tamika. When the darkness of grief and depression started to lift, when I got into treatment for PTSD, MDD, GAD, and whatever else trip my mind went on, when I began to lean into my almost non existent will to live; life began again. I began to unlearn to relearn and I started learning liberating truths that have literally changed my life. No longer did I desire to die, life and living was beckoning  to me and I was heeding to it's call. I found the strength to stand again.  Somehow, I began to believe that not only was there life after a traumatic loss but that life after could be beautiful.  When life events change a person, the person can never be who they were prior to the event taking place. I will never be the Mika I was before my sister passed.

So, for those looking for Mika pre February 29, 2016, I want you to brace yourself and understand that life as you knew it is over because she is dead! Before you panic and fear that you have been abandoned, I have gift for you. What she left for you will seem foreign and it will take time to adapt and adjust. What use to be the norm is now abnormal, what use to be rule is no longer allowed, and what use to be accepted is now unacceptable. So, now that you know the story,  I give you, Tamika. ONWARD!

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