I love you but.....

We have been taught that because we love a person, we have to be present. Today, as I was showering, I had an epiphany; love won't always equal being present. Do you have a family relationship or friendship that always has you on edge? Are you always worried about another situation bubbling up and becoming a disaster? When you are around them are you anxious? If you answered yes to any of these questions, allow me to help you. You don't have to have an intimate relationship with a person who causes you to feel uneasy.

"I've learned that it is not what I have in my life but who I have in my life that counts."~Unknown

Most women are nurturing by nature, when we love we love. However, love without balance and boundaries is quiet unhealthy, taxing both mentally and emotionally. I can't speak for others but I am guilty of allowing both family and friends who cause me trepidation to have more access to me than necessary. I have given more chances than I should've and accepted an apology for the same behaviors over and over again. When we put blinders on and allow people to bring toxicity into our lives because we love them, we are harming ourselves and doing them a disservice. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be abused or used. In fact, love doesn't hurt, people do.

"You have to have endless love with constant boundaries."~ Drew Barrymore

My grandma had 8 children, 6 boys and 2 girls. I had an uncle that I never met. I don't know the story behind his absence but I do know that he was never invited to any family functions and he was never discussed, we knew of his existence but never stood in his presence. When I was about 22 yrs old, my grandma got a call that he was in hospice and he was dying, she got to that hospital fast. While he was not allowed to have intimate access to her because of his behavior, she still loved him, she was still his mother. Before he passed away, he apologized for what he had done and when he took his last breath, she was at his side; that is love. While he wasn't allowed to be in our lives, the love my grandma had for him never stopped.  Nevertheless, even as a mother, when the behavior got to be too much, she put distance between them; she use to always tell me, "some people you gotta love with a long handled spoon."

 "Loving yourself invites others to love you. Respecting yourself  invites others to respect you. It all starts with you.~Mandy Hale

Just because a person is in your life, that doesn't mean they have to be IN your life. Loving people from a distance doesn't change the love you have for them, it just creates an atmosphere within your relationship that bring peace and not problems. You can love, cheer for, pray for, and believe in a person without having direct contact with them, presence isn't always a prerequisite for love. I know, this sounds conflicting, how can I love someone and keep my distance? Easily.

"If they do it often, it isn't a mistake; it's just their behavior."~Dr. Steve Maraboli

When you fully grasp the impact that your relationships have on your life and well being, you will get extremely particular about who you let into your space. There are some people who are just toxic and that is ok. I am not here to judge another person's life BUT I do have the right to choose who gets to be in my inner circle. Understand, this is not always an easy decision to make; I have cried many tears because I had to put distance between myself and a few people that I love; just like my grandma with my uncle, when I have had enough, I have had enough.

"People inspire you or they drain you. Pick them wisely."~Hans F Hansen

Don't look at distancing yourself from loved ones as something negative because great positives can come from building boundaries. It puts you in a position to be accountable and it may cause others to see how their behaviors are affecting their relationships. If a person truly values you, your presence, and what you bring to their life; they will make the necessary adjustments to restore the relationship. However, if a person doesn't feel compelled to change in order to have a close relationship with you, then being distance won't be a problem for anyone. We have got to hold ourselves and those that we love accountable for their behaviors. Where there is not accountability, there is confusion and chaos. I don't know about y'all but I want to live in harmonious peace and if that means moving some people from the front row of my life, then a girl has to do what a girl has to do. Onward!


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