And The Two Shall Be One

My 2 Favs

I am no stranger to illness and being sick, hence, Periods Should Knot Be Painful. I have been what people call, "sickly" for a large portion of my life. From vomiting, having high fevers, and being bedridden EVERY Christmas until I was about 18, to being plagued with diseases like Endometriosis, PCOS, Adenomyosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Diabetes, etc. Because I was sick often, I commonly heard comments like, she is always sick, you always in pain, you will never have kids, what's wrong with her now, and other bull crap. It was words like this that made me absolutely hate the sick portion of myself. I didn't want to be ill. I didn't ask to be ill. I didn't have a say in deciding what my body chose to do but I was somehow at fault for all the ills that continuously overtook me. So as a child, I divided myself into two people, there was the Sick Me and the Well Me. When I would become sick, I would hide in my mom's room, she would either give me my medicine, give the medicine to my grandma to give to me, or give me instructions on how to take my medicine(she had to work), and I would not go to school. In my mama's bed is where I learned how to hide and keep secrets. I would tell my mom that I was sick but rarely would I be completely truthful about how bad I felt. My grandma would give me home remedies and pray over me. Even though I hid, my hiding place was pretty awesome! 

In Sickness and Secrets

As an adult, I continued to hide. When I found out that there were millions of women like me, I became a lot more vocal about illness but I was still living divided within myself. I resented my body for disappointing, hurting, and betraying me. I despised the ill part of myself. Yes, I was a champion for women, advocating and telling them that better days were ahead but behind closed doors, I was begging God to make me "normal" to take this sickness away from me; promising Him that whatever I did to cause this, if he showed me what it was I would repent and never do it again, just please God heal me. I was doing everything in my power to get free. I just wanted to escape this body that was broken, defective, and embarrassing. I took the medicines, I changed my eating habits, I followed the latest health trends, and when none of that proved lasting, I tried to escape this body permanently, BUT GOD. Because I was hiding, I was keeping a secret that was promoting sickness. I wasn't just physically ill, by keeping all of this hidden, my soul and spirit were being poisoned and I was dying slowly. Self hatred is a paralyzing and suffocating kind of death. I was getting up everyday, answering emails, blogging, vlogging, creating business relationships, all while completely rejecting a piece who I am, not realizing that by hating the sick part of me, I was hating all of me. Until.......

My Fav

Oh my Neicha. I don't remember exactly how she and I connected, I think it was Crystal Bracelets. Neicha is the wife of my Life Coach. My life coach, is the business, in a word, she is the TRUTH. I watched her for 4 years on social media and finally found the courage to work with her, not realizing that I would get the bonus that is Neicha. For the last few months, Neicha has been telling me this one principle and encouraging me to see myself as a whole person, not sick me and well me(I never EVER told her that I looked at myself as two different people, NEVER). I heard her and even understood what she was saying but I lacked the desire and ability to see myself as one person, until today!

And The Two Shall Be One

It's funny how God will show up at the right time, exactly when you are ready. Today, I was laying in bed in pain(per usual), watching make up videos on Youtube, and suddenly it ALL made sense. In this moment I wasn't thinking about sickness, Neicha, Coach, or anything related, my focus was make up. I began to understand what she has been saying, I could see the damage that I had done to myself and my body by hating it for so many years, and I could see how grasping this revelation is going to change my life. The tears began to quietly roll down my face and my spirit just kept whispering, Thank you God. While I still have work to do on self, the days of me living divided are over, the days of keeping secrets are over, and the days of hiding are done. I can proudly say, yes, I am sick BUT I am also pretty damn awesome! Illness is apart of my life for whatever reason but I now know, it is not my fault, I did NOT cause myself to be sick by breaking some biblical principle, and no matter what people say or think about me, I am still one of God's greatest creations. 

The profound truth of the saying, some plant(Coach Kerri), some water(Neicha), but God gives increase, became real in my life today! Won't He Do It!!!!!!