Peace Without Closure....

In general closure answers the question why. As humans, we want to know why. If we know why, we can embrace our circumstances and make peace with it but what do we do when we don't know why? What do we do when closure means accepting what is but not understanding why it is? If a person has HIV/AIDS they know why they have it. If a person smoked and ended up with Lung Cancer, they know why. These people possess the ability to accept their condition and either fight it or give in to. The bottom line is they know why and in that knowing, if they desire, they can find closure. Yet, the question remains, what do you do when you don't know why? How do you embrace something that has no known reason or cause? How do you accept an enemy when you don't know where it came from or why it has invaded your life? How do you fight the invisible? This is a question that women like me find ourselves struggling to answer each and everyday.
 As I sat in the bathtub today, why me, where did you come from, what did I do, and a host of other questions swirled in my mind. If I had the answer to any of the questions that were haunting me, I would have closure.  Because I would know why I have Endometriosis, Interstitial Cystitis, and Chronic Pelvic Pain. Knowing, understanding, and accepting are needed to have some form of closure. Yet, doctors don't know why women are plagued with some reproductive related disorders.
 So, how do we willingly accept that these things are apart of our existence without knowing why? I wish I knew the answer to this question. I wish that I could tell women that I had some profound epiphany that unlocked the answers to our questions. The only thing that I know with assurance is that sometimes we won't know why and we have to find a way to be ok with that. We have to accept that the doctors may never figure it out.  We have to understand that this is the hand we have been dealt and we have to play the hell out of it. We will have good days, we will have bad days, and some days we will want to give up. On those days, ironically enough, we will know why we feel the way we do. While we may not know what caused our physical challenges but we will always know why we feel the way we do. We will know that Endometriosis is causing the pain, we will know that PCOS is effecting our fertility, and we will know that the struggle to overcome at times is overwhelmingly exhausting but the fact remains, we will know why.  So, infrequent will be the days of me asking why. I am taking back the power that why has had over me. I will no longer work myself to the point of mania trying to figure out why. Now, I am ok with knowing that it happened, realizing I don't know why it happened, and accepting that I may never know why it happened. That is CLOSURE!!