What am I, Sexuality speaking that is?
I grew up in a Christian home, headed by a dominant but loving grandmother. My grandma was in a word and understatement, brilliant. The depths of this woman's wisdom ran deeper than any of us were aware. As a child, my beloved grandmother suffered a lot of emotional, verbal, and mental abuse and trauma. So, her perception of life, love, relationships, and sex were clouded. Of all the things she taught me, sex was never a subject to be discussed and any mentioning of sexuality other than being heterosexual(she probably didn't know this word), I am sure would've caused complete pandemonium. I have always been different and hyper-aware of my differences in comparison to my friends and family. While I didn't know what made me the oddball, I knew something about me wasn't the norm.
I started my period when I was 11 years old. My mom gave me a Kotex pad(hated those), told me to put it on, and go back to bed. Later that day, I went downstairs to my grandma and she said, "you know, if a boy kisses you, you will get pregnant," that was my introduction to womanhood. The only thing my grandma ever told me about sex was that it was, "the nastiest thing you can do." Clearly, sex and sexuality was not a popular topic of conversation on The Blvd. The one lesson I got for sure was being with a man was the ONLY acceptable form of relationship.
Fast forward, in my full grown adult years, I noticed that same element began to rumble. I started to notice that when I would see an attractive person, it didn't move me to a place of desire. Fyi, I am married now. Back to the purpose of this post, I started doing some soul searching and asking myself some important questions about my sexuality. I wanted to know why physical appeal has never been enough for me. I wanted to know why words, character, and personality intrigued and captivated me, making me the happiest hostage. I wanted to know if there is something truly wrong with my kind of attraction to others. All of my questioning, crying, and seeking lead me directly to my answers. I am a Demisexual being. I kept my answer to myself, not wanting to further complicate my relationships with the ones I love the most by sharing some foreign concept with them. However, in the last few years, life for me has been both crippling and empowering. I've been in darkness so dark that there was not the capacity nor the ability to see, it is in that darkness that I found my voice and my courage to live proudly in my uniqueness and not care who liked it. I am who I am and I have fought hard to hold onto her, she deserves to be seen and loved for who she is.
The Talk
I started my period when I was 11 years old. My mom gave me a Kotex pad(hated those), told me to put it on, and go back to bed. Later that day, I went downstairs to my grandma and she said, "you know, if a boy kisses you, you will get pregnant," that was my introduction to womanhood. The only thing my grandma ever told me about sex was that it was, "the nastiest thing you can do." Clearly, sex and sexuality was not a popular topic of conversation on The Blvd. The one lesson I got for sure was being with a man was the ONLY acceptable form of relationship.
Girl, what is wrong with you?
Remember when I said I've always been conscious of my peculiar persona, well, it became more apparent to me when I began to notice boys and interact with them. My attraction to boys was unusual while I would see cute boys, what attracted me to them was something unknown; something I couldn't t see but I could feel it. If a boy could make me laugh and enjoyed being silly with me, I tried to keep him around. When I was about 14 years old, I discovered girls and that was definitely disconcerting. It wasn't just the way they looked or how fascinated I was by the shape of their bodies in comparison to boys, again it was an unknown element trying to surface.
Fast forward, in my full grown adult years, I noticed that same element began to rumble. I started to notice that when I would see an attractive person, it didn't move me to a place of desire. Fyi, I am married now. Back to the purpose of this post, I started doing some soul searching and asking myself some important questions about my sexuality. I wanted to know why physical appeal has never been enough for me. I wanted to know why words, character, and personality intrigued and captivated me, making me the happiest hostage. I wanted to know if there is something truly wrong with my kind of attraction to others. All of my questioning, crying, and seeking lead me directly to my answers. I am a Demisexual being. I kept my answer to myself, not wanting to further complicate my relationships with the ones I love the most by sharing some foreign concept with them. However, in the last few years, life for me has been both crippling and empowering. I've been in darkness so dark that there was not the capacity nor the ability to see, it is in that darkness that I found my voice and my courage to live proudly in my uniqueness and not care who liked it. I am who I am and I have fought hard to hold onto her, she deserves to be seen and loved for who she is.
So here I am, a Demisexual Feminist Lesbian; boy, this is gonna cause an uproar when I go home.
ONWARD!
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